Facebook can be a useful and fun website, where you can keep in touch with friends and family. However, roughly 98% of Facebook users are the most annoying assholes on the planet. Here we examine some of the worst types of people to inhabit Mark Zuckerberg’s social media monster.
The Attention Seekers
We all know a bunch of these people. “Had a gr8 night with a certain someone”, “fuck my life”, and the most common status ” : ( “. Any of these statuses open the floodgates to all their friends to respond “OMG what’s wrong babe?” or “I was on a training course with you in 1997, so you know I’m here if you need someone to talk to” and ok here we go, they’ll respond to these other nosey people now and put all our minds at rest. But no. That’s not how this works. The original status poster will wait until a good level of intrigue has been generated before responding with “It doesn’t matter babe” or “I’ll DM you Sharon”
DON’T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING AT ALL THEN! RATHER THAN POSTING CRYPTIC STUPID STATUSES WHY NOT JUST SORT OUT THE (PROBABLY TRIVIAL) ORIGINAL ISSUE? YOU’RE NOT DAVID FUCKING BLAINE. YOU’RE ABOUT AS MYSTERIOUS AS A PAPER CUP FULL OF GOAT PISS.
From now on here’s how it should go:
Facebook Attention Seeker – ” : ( ”
Nosey Friend – “What’s wrong babe”
Facebook Attention Seeker – “A stray cat jumped on my car while I was driving and pissed on me through the sunroof”
Nosey Friend – “Good, you’re a bitch anyway”
The Gullible Idiots
The Gullible Idiots believe everything they see on Facebook. They never question anything. They don’t apply logic to anything, ever. They just accept whatever is in front of them. Urban Myths, fake celebrity quotes, you got it.
“Share if you love your cousin”- Kurt Cobain, FUCKING SHARE THAT SHIT, “aluminium cans are covered in deadly rat piss” HOLY SHIT THAT’S A SHARE RIGHT THERE, “put your ATM PIN in backwards to alert the police” I’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE 2004 GET THAT SHIT ON MY FACEBOOK FEED RIGHT NOW.
It’s fucking ridiculous. “THIS IS THE LAST PHOTO TAKEN ON A 9/11 VICTIMS PHONE” and there’s a fucking cartoon plane behind them – 293,401 shares.
Apply some fucking logic you stupid assholes. If you read something on Facebook, chances are its complete bullshit. In fact, it’s definitely bullshit so you should never share anything ever again. In fact, did you know that if you delete your Facebook account, Microsoft will give you $250,000?
Facebook do-gooders are wannabe social media Ghandis, the Mother Teresas of bullshit. They’re desperate for all their friends to see how compassionate they are even though you know them in real life and they’re huge pieces of shit.
***THIS RABBIT LOST A LEG WHILST SAVING AN AMERICAN FLAG FROM A BURNING HOUSE***
***MY DAD SAYS IF THIS GETS 1,000,000 LIKES THEN CANCER IS BAD***
***SHARE IF TROOPS SHOULD GET PAID MORE THAN CIRCUS CLOWNS***
How about this, you insufferable assholes?
Donate money to charity, do volunteer work, CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY IN LITERALLY ANY FUCKING WAY RATHER THAN SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDS THINK YOU ARE LITERALLY JESUS. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
The Shitty Prize Brigade
The Shitty Prize Brigade want free stuff, and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that in theory but it’s not even good stuff.
***LIKE THIS PHOTO TO WIN 3 BOTTLES OF SHAMPOO*** – 4,793 likes,
***SHARE THIS PHOTO TO WIN A WINEGLASS WITH SOME SHITTY FLOWERS PAINTED ON*** – 5,024 likes.
It’s not fucking worth it!!!! You’re entering a competition for the world’s shittest prize and you’ve got a 1 in 5,000 chance of winning?? Just buy the Limited Edition Chris Brown Tampon if you want it rather than polute my fucking Facebook with it.
I can just imagine a catatonic woman bursting through her bedroom wall and screaming at her husband “GARY, GARY, GARY! I WON THE 8X10 GLOSSY PHOTO OF KENAN AND KEL, I FUCKING WON IT GARY” *Grabs Gary by the shoulders* “MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. I’M GOING TO ROLL THE PHOTO UP INTO A LITTLE DILDO AND FEEL THE PAPERY EUPHORIA OF KEL KIMBLE DEEP INSIDE ME” and then she jumps through the window and runs down the street, fist pumping into the distance.
Stop trying to win shit stuff people. Ever wonder why they’re giving it away? Because its shit. Fuck off.
The Dog People
I think we can all agree dogs are great. Everybody loves dogs. However, Facebook Dog People love them far too much, and if they could reach out of your computer screen and literally shove their jacket wearing pug down your throat they would. Another thingFacebook dog people do is report on their dog as if it’s not just doing things THAT EVERY DOG DOES. “Oooh Rex just drank some water lol! That’s so like him, to drink water.
Here are 16 photos of him drinking the water”, “LOL! My dog is so random. I just took him for a walk and he sniffed some grass! He also peed on the grass. Here’s a selfie of me with the piss soaked grass”. Another popular one is a photo of a dog sleeping, with the caption “I think somebody’s tired”. No fucking shit. He’s probably tired of your bullshit.
The absolute worst kind of Facebook Dog People however are the ones who CREATE A PROFILE FOR THEIR DOG. This is an actual thing that happens. I’ve received 3 separate requests from dogs on Facebook. I had a look at one of the profiles once and the statuses were all stuff like “I love my mummy so much” and photos of dogfood with “Teatime yum yum”. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say these people are worse than Hitler. If you’ve ever made a Facebook profile for your dog then you’re worse than Hitler.
The inspirers are the people who post, well, inspirational things. Photos, memes and statuses all day every day. “Push yourself to the limit”, “no pain, no gain” that sort of bullshit. They post a lot of memes where a runner is running past a beautiful sunset, often with captions like “I don’t run to add days to my life, I run to add life to my days”.
Now the main problem with The Inspirers is this. They are more often than not, the least inspirational people you will ever meet.
“The only anti-depressant I need is the open road” Yeah, don’t think any doctors will be offering that prognosis anytime soon.
“Whenever bad things happen, god is steering you toward something better” Ok tell that to terminal cancer patients, asshole.
“Don’t surround yourself with bad people” you’re literally the most awful person I know. YOU are the bad person. Everyone else is the Pope compared to you. You stabbed a cat in third grade.
Basically, if you’re gonna preach to people under the guise of inspiration, just make sure you’re not a huge piece of shit first. Which you definitely are.
The Suffragettes are strong, independent, online women. They’re always right, and they hate everyone. They hate their friends, they hate their partners and they DESPISE men in general. A suffragette doesn’t do things in private. If they have an argument with their partner, the entire argument will take place on Facebook.
The Sufragette will then unleash a barrage of anti-men memes, you know the ones, those blue cartoon things where there’s a drawing of a woman drinking wine with a caption that says something along the lines of
“My husband died, but its ok cos I’ve got wine” or “The reason god made men is FUCK OFF I’M DRINKING WINE”. Suffragettes hate everything, including you. Especially you perhaps.
The Gym Gods
You know how everyone’s really interested in what their Facebook friends do at the gym and how many carbs they consume? No me neither. Nobody gives a fuck. “Benched 120Ibs tonight” Nobody cares. “Steak and steamed veg for tea” No one gives a fuck. “nothing tastes as good as being fit feels” one word, pizza. Go fuck yourselves.
There isn’t really much to say about the gym gods, as they’re all essentially the same person. They’re just the same orange body with interchangeable hair and clothes, like Lego people but with needle marks in their buttcheeks.
This one’s pretty self explanatory. The Dullards are the most boring people you know, but somehow, when they log into Facebook, their uninteresting levels go through the roof. Typical statuses include “Is it Monday already?”, “Bored.com”, “I’m starting back on my diet tomorrow”, “Just had my new carpet fitted and now I shall eat a sandwich”.
Facebook is a social media website, it’s supposed to be fun, interesting, a way to pass the time. Boring people negate this entirely. Nobody gives a shit what you’re eating. Am I eating it? No, so I couldn’t give a flying fuck what you’ll be shitting out tomorrow. I don’t care that you’re bored, I don’t care about your chores, your diets, nothing. If you fall into a sewer on the way to work, post that shit! I’ll be all over that.
If any of you boring fuckers posts a single interesting thing on facebook I’ll climb on top of my wardrobe and elbow drop the “like” button into oblivion. Here’s a general rule. If it deviates from your normal day to day activities, post it. Otherwise, throw your laptop into the sea, then throw yourself into the sea, though you’ll probably find a way to make that boring too.
The Celebrity Death Squad
When a celebrity dies, avoid Facebook like the plague, for this is when The Celebrity Death Squad springs into action and it becomes a race between about 200 assholes to announce the death first. Because of the need to break the news to Facebook, the first few death statuses are pretty shoddy.
One that I remember from last year was
The poor guy had probably launched himself at his keyboard and just hoped his face smashed into the right keys. When Mandela died, I also discovered that every single one of my Facebook friends were experts on South African Political History.
Celebrity deaths are the only news that Facebook users care about. As I write this, the Ukraine looks to be heading toward a civil war, thousands dead, mass protests, overthrown leaders, the works. But also this week Egon from Ghostbusters died so my Facebook is just the same image of Egon and Slimer 69’ing on a cloud.